One Was Johnny
by Kamo
Summary: Songfic to One Was Johnny by Maurice Sendak and Carole Keene, concerning Wufei's horrible nightbeforeChristmas.


One Was Johnny

Title: One Was Johnny   
Author: Kamo   
Archive: Fanfiction.net, and whoever else wants it, just tell me first... credit to Kamo, fukigen_na_kamo@yahoo.com   
Warnings: Relena glompage, OOCedness, suddenly resurrected characters, rampant character stereotypes, holiday-inspired fluffiness, characters popping up for no reason other than to fill a quota... that should cover it.   
Pairings: 1+2, 3+4, R glomp 1, D+R implied, 6+13 implied.   
Notes: Mmm, cheese... this is a fluffy little thing I came up with while I was at Pennsic (a medieval war I went to in August). One Was Johnny is a song from Really Rosie, a children's book and television program from the seventies by Maurice Sendak and Carole Keene (other songs include Alligators All Around, which I'm also working on a fic to, and Chicken Soup With Rice).   
Disclaimers: None of this except the story belongs to me... not the song, not the characters... and I'm not making any money off of it. S'a matter of fact, I'm not making any money off of *anything*: trust me, I'm not worth bringing to court. 

_ One was Johnny who lived by himself, _

Wufei closed the door to his apartment, slumping wearily against the cold metal for a moment before glancing over his shoulder to survey the wreckage of his post-party apartment. Ouch... The Christmas party had been a *bad* idea: aside from the very simple facts that ne neither celebrated Christmas nor enjoyed parties, none of the other ex-pilots seemed to have any idea how to clean up after themselves, at least in someone else's house, and so they'd left him with little more than a pile of sticky wrappers and melon balls, a cheddar cheese log (with almonds), and the beginnings of a rather bad headache. 

He sighed, knelt, and began removing the detritus of the night's revelry from the living room floor, resigning himself to a night of such work. After he had a sizeable pile, he realised that he needed a trash bag, and heaved himself up from the floor to go get one, hoping that they at least had survived the carnage. 

_ Two was the rat who jumped on his shelf, _

He flipped on the light in the kitchen and almost screamed. Heero was sitting on his counter, next to the microwave, his face rather comically buried in a tea cosy. 

"Think you could warn a guy before you blind him?" The question was muffled, but sounded no less annoyed as a result. Had it not been *his* kitchen counter Heero was currently sitting on , Wufei might have found it in himself to apologise. As things stood... 

"Heero, what are you doing still here?" 

Heero stretched and dangled his legs over the edge of the counter, for a few moments looking younger than Wufei had ever known him to be. His guest chewed the inside of his lip a bit. "You see... hn. It's Duo." 

Wufei nodded and mentally changed his schedule from a night of cleaning to a night of talking Heero through a lovers' crisis followed by a day of cleaning. "Was it something you did or something of his?" 

"Neither-- well, sort of something I did. I haven't bought him a Christmas present yet." 

"Ah!" Quick fix, Wufei could handle this. "Here, give him this cheese log, come up with a sappy--" 

"We brought the cheese log." 

_ Three was the cat who chased the rat, _

"Oh." He was about to suggest that Heero root through his freezer for something appropriate (food was *always* appropriate with Duo, he'd discovered) when a movement on the skylight caught his attention. Before whatever it was could escape, he grabbed the broom and jabbed at the catch with the handle. 

A wild-eyed, long-haired, black-clad lump fell through the skylight, shrieking "Where's my pre-- oof!" 

"Maxwell?" Wufei prodded the lump with the broom. 

"No," said Heero in a voice that could have scared the first contented amoeba into evolving. "Relena." 

"Where's my present Heero?" She scrambled up from the floor as if the voicing of her name gave her permission to move. "Not even a card, not even a *card*!" 

The two boys crossed their arms and allowed Relena to rant herself out, grunting occasionally when it seemed as though she wanted a response. When she eventually came to what they hoped was a stopping point, panting and redfaced, Wufei spoke in an attempt to amend the situation. 

"Relena, you do know what 'I will kill you' means, yes?" 

"Yes." She pulled a few tendrils of her now-wild hair from her face and tried to arrange the mass into a makeshift bun. 

"And you're not a masochist?" 

"No! Well... maybe, but--" 

"Too much information. And will you *please* put down those chopsticks, they're not for hair." 

_ Four was the dog who came in and sat, _

"Is this a closed party, or can I join in?" Trowa flipped through the open skylight, hanging for a moment by his hands before dropping to the floor in a crouch. 

"No, come on in." Maybe Trowa could get Relena to leave, and then he could shove a box of Pocky or something at Heero for him to bring home... The hope of a quiet evening was still there, barely. 

_ Five was the turtle who bit the dog's tail, _

*BING-BONG!* Argh! Grumbling quietly to himself, Wufei left Relena trying her best to start and argument with the sullen Heero and the inscrutable Trowa, wondering with annoyance which of his friends had returned this time. 

"Hi, Wufei, is Trowa here?" 

Sigh. "Come in, Quatre, he's in the kitchen." 

"Thank you!" The merrily tipsy (who'd let him drink?) boy trip-bounced his way to the kitchen, knocking over a table along the way. Wufei barely caught it and, with a face covered in flat Pepsi, he clenched his fists and went back to the kitchen in time to watch Quatre pinch Trowa's butt and collapse into a heap of giggles on the floor. 

He raised an eyebrow but didn't ask. Some motivations were best left unknown. Trowa was looking quietly pleased with himself, and Relena was busily mixing cocoa powder and milk in a glass bowl. Heero had shifted enough on the counter to allow her easy access to the microwave, and a large bowl of hot chocolate was already spinning away. Looked like they'd be staying for a while. 

_ Six was the monkey who brought in the mail, _

Someone "oof!"ed from the front door. It turned out, predictably now that he thought of it, to be Duo. What wasn't predictable was the large cardboard box he was carrying, identified as "stuff that wasn't here in time for the party. Stupid UPS." 

"What is it?" 

"Hold on a sec." Space was cleared on a counter, the box was slid onto it, Duo produced a knife from gods-know-where and slit the tape. "Hee, peanuts!" He started throwing handfuls of them around, and the kitchen was soon layered in the white pellets. 

"Thank you, Maxwell," Wufei said sarcastically, brushing a styrofoam pellet out of his hair. 

"Na prob, Wu-man. Have a drink!" Duo passed him a mug of the warm chocolatey stuff, from which he took a grateful sip, coughed, sputtered, and glared at the widely grinning boy. 

"What did you do to it?" 

"Added chocolate mint liquor. I have butterscotch, too, if you prefer." 

"No, no, mint is fine." He retreated with his mug and a trash bag to the living room, making yet another attempt at a clean-up. 

_ Seven a blackbird pecked poor Johnny's nose, _

Yet again he was interrupted. "Is Miss Relena here?" 

Wufei looked up from his dustpan to see an oddly eyebrowed blonde girl whose name he couldn't place immediately. "Yes, she's in the kitchen." No point in trying to keep her out, and maybe if she dragged Relena away everyone else would leave too. But what was her *name*? 

"Thank you, Wufei." She leant over and for a moment all Wufei could think of was the story Duo loved telling about throwing grapes at her eyebrows-- and them sticking-- but all she did was kiss him lightly on the nose. Then, picking up her skirts, she disappeared into the kitchen. 

Wufei stared after her for a moment, then blinked, shook his head and rubbed his nose, and returned to garbage and self-pity. A moment later he abandoned the latter when he realised it was horribly pretensious of him, and instead stuck to the garbage. One mess at a time, Wufei, clean this up and *then* get them out of the kitchen. 

_ Eight was a tiger out selling old clothes, _

A jingling *thud!* and a series of shrieks from the kitchen told him that cleanup might be a bit longer in the finishing than he'd expected. He shoved a few cups in the bag, sighed yet again (and immediately reprimanded himself for sighing so much), and crawled across the floor to the kitchen doorway, expecting to have to tell Duo to stop juggling butter knives or something similarly foolish. Instead he found himself face-to-cheap-cotton-beard with a red velvet-swathed Zechs Merquise. 

"What now..." he moaned, rolling over onto his back and clutching his head in his hands. 

"Well, y'see..." Zechs said, taking a cup of his own from someone, "Treize and I were in the neighborhood coming back from a company Christmas party, and we thought we'd bring you some extra stockings--" 

_ Nine was a robber who took an old shoe, _

"AAARGH!" Wufei dashed the offered sack to the floor and shrieked, startling Treize into falling the rest of the way through the skylight to the floor. Treize, rather intelligently, grabbed the stocking and scuttled to the corner. "AAARGH!!" 

And with that, Wufei commenced to beating his head against the doorjamb. His eight companions watched silently, too shocked to do or say anything, until he slid into a heap on the floor, holding his head in his hands. A quick glance-fight elected Duo the unfortunate victim. 

"Ehh... Wufei, 're you ok?" 

"I'm..." he inhaled deeply and laughed a bit. "I'm fine. Wooo! I'm *fine*! But," another deep breath, "I have something to do." 

_ Ten was a puzzle, what should Johnny do? _

"What's that?" 

"Ohh..." he dragged the kitchen stool to the center of the room, any interfering bodies wisely choosing to fere elsewhere. One never could tell what Wufei would do once hysteria had set in. 

_ He stood on a chair and he said, "Here's what I'll do,   
"I'll start to count backwards, and when I am through, if this house isn't empty I'll eat all of you!" _

[It is at this point that the author wishes to mention that, had she more skill at citrus, the fic would, at this point, take a rather different turn. However, she has enough trouble keeping two sets of limbs and emotional complexes sorted in a GW lemon, and nine is far beyond what she wishes to attempt at the moment. In the interests of decent writing, the songfic continues.] 

Duo blinked and backed away from the psychotic man on the stool. This went beyond any duties as envoy. The room was silent except for Wufei's breathing until Quatre giggled. 

Every face in the room turned to look at him. 

"That doesn't sound like such a bad idea, when I think about it." 

"Not tonight, Quatre, you need to go to bed." 

The blonde acquired the overly serious expression of the thoughtful drunk, then lolled over on Trowa's shoulder. "Yes, home, bed." 

_ Nine was the robber who left looking pale, _

Treize was the first to make any sort of productive movement. "Wufei, do you want us to help clean up?" 

"No. *Out*." 

"Alright, then. Goodnight." He chose to exit by the door rather than the skylight, the thought of fighting the stool away from the furious Chinese boy obviously frightened him. 

_ Eight was the tiger who chased him to jail, _

"I should go, too," Zechs said, standing and gathering his poor abused stockings into his bag and readjusting his beard. As he stood, a pair of handcuffs fell off his belt, which he retrieved with a sheepish grin before following Treize out the door. 

_ Seven the blackbird flew off to Havana, _

The next was the blonde-- Dorothy. "Miss Relena, I'll just go home and make sure everything's in order." 

"Take a vacation, you've earned it," was the contented reply as Relena snuggled up against Heero, who in turn cringed against the poor microwave. Dorothy glared at Heero, obviously jealous, but nodded, "As you wish, Miss Relena," and left. 

_ Six was the monkey who stole a banana, _

"Wufei,I know you told us not to help you clean, but I am anyway... see! One less piece of fruit to look after!" Duo snagged a banana from the perfectly arranged bowl on the counter, scarfed it down in a matter of seconds, ignoring the amazing death glare Wufei leveled at his head in response, and grinned at his trapped partner. "I'm going home too, catch you later on." 

"Hnn..." Heero replied, realising suddenly just how trapped he was, between Relena's clinginess and Duo's lack of a present. He returned Duo's goodbye kiss, at which Relena pouted and flounced off for the bathroom. 

_ Five was the turtle who crawled off to bed, _

"I... I should go take a nap!" Quatre announced, as if suddenly reaching an epiphany. He lurched to his feet, but paused before leaving the kitchen, dug through his pockets, and produced a somehow pristine red box, which he then tossed to Heero and said, as if quoting someone: 

"Pocky. Ain't nothin' wrong wit' dat." 

_ Four was the dog who slid home on a sled, _

"We'll get the bus," Trowa assured Wufei as he caught Quatre from falling over, which resulted merely in a cold stare from the Chinese boy, still standing on his stool. "I'll be back tomorrow to help you clean up." He then propelled Quatre toward the door and, with a few goodbye waves, they were gone. 

_ Three was the cat who pounced on the rat, _

Relena chose that moment to come back from the bathroom, looking somewhat neater but no less annoyed. At the sight of the box, however, she glomped Heero, her eyes sparkling happily. "Pocky! I *knew* you'd get me something!" 

"S'not for you." 

"Of course it is! How absurd, saying that it would be for someone else." 

"*No*, it's *not*." He looked to Wufei for help, but the boy simply raised his finger and pointed at the front door. 

_ Two was the rat who left with the cat, _

This time is was Heero's turn to sigh. He dropped off the counter and shuffled for the front door, muttering "I *will* kill you" as he passed Wufei. 

He, in turn, managed not to smile until the door was firmly closed and locked behind Heero, at which point he breathed a small prayer, closed the skylight, and went to bed. Cleaning could wait for the morning, for now he was going to enjoy being finally, truly alone. 

_ And one was Johnny who lived by himself   
And liked it like that. _

Ok, so it sucked... Questions, comments, and kvetches to [fukigen_na_kamo@yahoo.com][1]

Kamo 

   [1]: mailto:fukigen_na_kamo@yahoo.com



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